A change in the way I live, not the way I think

I really want to read more about God right now. I wonder if anyone else gets to that place. Not to read the Bible more, even though I want to do that too, but to really read about God. I guess I'm a little hesitant to start reading theology. There is nothing inheritly wrong with the study of God, but I tend to read, think and then do the reverse.

My own attitudes and thoughts on Christian spirituality have reminded me of one of those spitting or peeing fountains that you see at mansions. What they do is they sit out water into a pool, then suck it back up and repeat the process. That's like my witness I think. I pour out so much into a community (the pool) that thinks and believes the same way I do. They exclaim its truth and purpose back to me and the process repeats itself.

Of course there are splashes outside the pool.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to love people who are hard to love and I haven't done it for so long that I don't really know where to start. Not that I don't believe in the power of the Bible (it really is the source of all truth), but I have heard it for so long I have learned to neuter the radical words held therein. I have learned to rationalize loving my enemies to a trickle down economic theory of love. Even with money that doesn't really work, so why should it with love?

I am hoping that as I read more about God, it will change my viewpoint enough to stop my rationalizing and start my belief in the second greatest commandment, which of course is like the first.

I've been writing new songs. Sometimes I put myself down, like I am doing worse than I really should be. I need to stop that. If I am going to start loving others like God I need to better understand how God loves. He does so with no strings attached. I don't like that, or at least there is a struggle with that type of love. I think the Christians call it grace.

There you go Joy, I posted.