Luke Dean: Only slighty less than larger than life

So the other day I was walking to my car and I was walking through the art center. So as everyone knows, I have a problem with cliches or rather, the have a problem with me. So as I walked by the precious poster board with all types of announcements that every good cod student must know, i saw a flyer for, "The Ten Tenors: Larger than Life". On the flyer it had 10 men wearing suits and sunglasses looking strangely reminiscent of the blues brothers.

I know, that's what I'm saying.

My first instinct was to ask myself why would anyone want to go to hear ten tenors. Please.

Of course thein it says "Larger than Life". I wonder what they actually meant by that. And yet it adds a cliche to my list of clishces that don't make any sense. What does it acutally mean to be larger than life? So I have decided that I am just about equal to life, not quite but almost. Of course there are other cliches that only stupid people say. Like at Jam one of my 8th graders asked me a question and I don't remember exactly what the question was but it was something stupid, but anyways, I just stared at him wondering how anyone could be that dumb and he says:

TJ: Cat got your tongue Luke?
Luke: No, but I got your nose!

I proceed to put my thumb in between my pointer and middle finger and run around yelling. "Got your nose!" This, much to my shock and awe (ha, good ol' shock and awe) did not help the situation much.

Oh yeah and this one time Alie said that I couldn't have my cake and eat it too. I asked her why, and she said she didn't know but I just couldn't.

The blaringly obvious is that why would anyone want to have cake if that person was not eventually going to eat it?

Then on my way out I saw a bumper sticker that said, "My other car is a broom." Wait, what? Has anyone ever tried sitting on a pole about the size of a broom? It's pretty much impossible by now. Stupid witches.

Yeah so that bumper sticker definitely caught my eye. Caught my eye, ha, that reminds me of my early and only years of baseball.

I was young probably about 6 0r 7 when I played t-ball, so I do't think I caught every curve ball my coach was trying to tell me if you know what i mean. He always told me to "Keep my eye on the ball," which now makes sense to m but as a small child with a somewhat limited capacity to think, I was not quite sure how to do that and swing and hit the ball all at the same time. What made it worse was the fact that while most of the time it was a rebuke such as in this situation:

I swing at the ball sitting nicely on the tee, now i f I was lucky, I would miss the ball and the tee completely. The response was of course, "That's ok Luke, just keep your eye on the ball," My thought process is of course, "Keep my eye on the ball, think of nothing else, my mind must be focused on the ball, my parents are saying something to me...NO! eye on ball luke eye on ball. Man these pants really aren't that comfort... EYE ON BALL!!"

swing

miss

Of course that was the best case scenario. Most of the time I would hit the tee and the ball would roll about three feet behind me. let me just tell you, if you ever have kids, don't let them play t-ball especially of they hit the tee. When you hit the tee and not the ball it's like eating a skeal in the middle of India and when they look at you with murderous intent you ask for salt. You just don't do it. When ever this happened to me I would hear from the crowd a unanimous moan, someone in the back ground would be saying, "He hit the tee, I think he is one of those special kids they let on the team to feel like a normal child..." and the coach of course streams of his advice/hatred at that moment, "Luke! You have to keep your eye on the ball! What have a I told you before!?!?!" I don't think that adults know that "eye on the ball" is one of those phrases along with "Jesus in your heart" or "Daddy is going to be on vacation for a long time" or even "Rogaine helps regrow hair!" that a child just really doesn't grasp.

I always wanted to be a catcher in t-ball partly because it seemed like a somewhat respectable position amd partly because the only time you really did anything was when someone like myself got up to bat and then they hit the tee and the ball rolled three feet behind them and I got to mutter to myself, "man, the guy needs to keep his eye on the ball." But of course I got stuck in left field which is pretty much a pontlyes position in t-ball seing as the ball barely rolls far enough to reach where the "pitcher" was standing. But I did get to sit down most of the time and think about the world and life's lessons.

Of course it is one of life's small ironies that right when I got used to hitting the ball off the tee (followed of course by the coach's, "That's how you keep your eye on the ball.") I get moved forward to baseball where now you have to keep your eye on a moving ball (although the terminology is still "keep your eye on the ball"). A little secret for you, if you are having a hard time hitting a ball when it is place waist high on a small platform and it is standing still, it is nearly impossible to hit it when it is moving. THen something wonderful happened, a new phrase showed up all of a sudden.

Good eye.

A new world opened up for me.

The first time it happened I almost missed it:

Me: Oh crap I missed the ball!
Me: Oh crap I didn't even swing, no good can come of this.
Coach: Nice eye Luke!

Nice...

Eye...

Luke...

It is as if heaven opened up and small drops of sweet dew came down and rested on my face, cool and refreshing. And then I heard a voice saying, "Well done my good and faithful baseball servant!" Angels sing, birds chirp and all it right in the baseball world.

Or something similiar to that.

Seriously this is one of the best phrases in baseball. I mean I see the ball coming at me at what is seemingly an unbelievable speed, I panic, don't move until the last second when the ball whizzes past my head.

Coach: Good eye Luke!
Me: You mean dodging the death blow to my head? Yeah, I got a good eye.

So I got rewarded for not swinging at a pitch. That deserves and Amen!

Of course baseball is one of those sports where repetitious mocking is encouraged.

"Hey batter, batter, hey batter, hey batter! Hey batter SWING batter!"

Two things I never understood:
1. Why do we want to help the batter by telling him when to swing?
2. Why do we not do this type of mocking at other sporting functions

Diving: Hey diver, diver, hey diver! JUMP DIVER, JUMP!
Golf: Hey golfer, hey golfer, hey golfer golfer. PUTT golfer PUTT!!!

My ABS system is broken I guess. The light's on at least. I'm glad it's the light and not something else. I hate going to take your car in because I'm one of those guys that do't kow anything about cars so it's like you go in and you know what's coming:

Mechanic Joe: What's the problem with your car?
Me: I'm not quite sure, it's making a weird noise when i try to start it.
Mechanic Joe: What does it sound like?
Me: Actually, we could go start it up right now and you could hear it for yourself.
Mechanic Joe: It would be best if you just explained the sound to me right now.

***at this point you know that this is how mechanics get their jollies. The form of entertainment is called the "Mess with guys who don't know anything about cars because they are too stuck up to actually get their nails dirty and they probably think they are better than everyone but in reality they just don't want to make a weird noise"***

Me: Well the first noise it makes is about three clicks when you turn the key and...
Mechanic Joe: What type of clicks?
Me: You know, clicks!
Mechanic Joe: Please just repeat the noise.
Me: click, click, click
Mechanic Joe: mmhm ...(blank stare)... continue.
Me: Well, it also makes this weird whirring/chirping noise.
Mechanic Joe: Sounds like?
Me: Seriously man, we could just go turn it on, it happens everytime!
Mechanic Joe: please just answer the question.
Me: errrrrrrrrrrrrr, peak, peak, peak, peak.
Mechanic Joe: I'll have to go take a look at it.

bah!

So now I will end with something that Joy said one time (imagine a deep voice)

Woot, woot.