From the creator of "Of Proms Formals and Why I am the Worst Person in the World" comes "A Title"

Like all good stories, this one starts with Effin Konk. I mean, come on that guy is practically my hero and all and I was reading his journal and I was amazed at the length. You see, I still haven't read all of it. So then I got to thinking, a dangerous pastime to be sure but sometimes necessary, "I want a post where people don't read all of it, and not just because it sucks but because it's just too darn long." And so I start out tonight on that quest. Who knows how far it will take me, what dangers lie ahead but do not fear for me Argentina*, I will make it.

So as Priscilla and Joy like to do I will start off with topics and then announce when I change them. That way I can be sure I actually had a topic to begin with in the first place. So my first point in this extremely long blog, well it will be but not yet is...crap, of course my mind would be blank right now. Oh, ok, I got one: Why does grass make you itch? I have never understood that. Maybe it's an allergic reaction. OK, this topic sucks. Moving on...

I wish they would do more 1-800-COLLECT commercials with Mr. T. I pity the fool who doesn't like those commercials. Their cheesiness only rivaled by the old navy commercials. And why old navy? The only things that come out of old navys are old sailors and NO ONE likes old sailors. I mean, they smell. Bad. But of course we all knew that which is why there never has been, and never will be old sailors reading this blog. But back to collect calls, I hate Carrot Top. No seriously, I do. If I could find him and punch him, I would. He would probably cry, cause that's just the way carrot top is. Flamboyant, just like toad. But that's for another blog, or maybe further down the road. I think Carrot Top proves that God has mercy because if I were God Carrot Top would definitely be smote. Or smitten. Or something. But that's probably why I'm not God, besides the fact that God is an all powerful, all knowing, all loving, perfect God who is everywhere and I'm a mere human, I also am bad at grammar. And that my friends is what life is all about. Second only to finding out who would win in a fight: George Washington vs. Abe Lincoln.** But besides that, grammar is pretty important.

Well, onto another point, I have to say that the fireworks this year were pretty much the same as all the other years except this year the company was definitely better than last year. I did play croquet last year however which did raise the bar on 4th of July festivities and such. Speaking of bars, too many people drink in Naperville. Seeing as there are three bars two right next to each other and one across the street. But drunk people are funny to watch. One time at school this drunk guy was pretending to fight everyone and well, he fell over. Oh boy fun times.

Mark really sucks at Psychiatrist. He probably needs it though.

Of course the next question on everybody's mind is why do I not want Kerry to be president. The answer my friend is blowing in... wait, no its not. Kerry is just blah. No one really has strong feelings towards him either way, probably even his wife. She just married for him because he was there, and she was like, "Eh, what the heck, it's not like I hate the guy, I just don't have strong feelings towards him one way or another." Which everybody laughed at the cocktail party when she said this but now everyone understands. You see, Kerry is a loser. Bush at least invokes strong emotion from both sides of the spectrum. Kerry is like the squirrel at north central whose tail got shaved somehow, everybody feels a little sorry for it but then again, no one really wants to help it because its a squirrel with no tail. Gross.

You know who really is a funny guy, Michael Moore. I love how he like, says George W. Bush is worse than Satan. That really cracks me up. It cracks Satan up too because now that he has Michael Moore to do all his propaganda he can concentrate on more important things, like the apocalypse.

But on to more serious things, I really like Lucky Charms. I knew this before but recently I was sitting on my table crunching away when I realized how cool that actual marshmallow shapes are.

More Things I wish I invented***

- Ice Cream
- Air Conditioning****
- The 80's
- batman pajamas
- Dippin Dots

Things that almost made the list:
- The Theory of Relativity
- Cheese
- The Force

Well of course I could have said that emo kids are at the same time the funniest and most depressing kids in the world. I know that's what they are going for so the win this time darn it*****, but seriously. I heard this joke once, how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would rather sit in the dark and cry. I didn't get it. Just like I don't get high heels, let's think about what they are thinking for so we will all be like what are they thinking! ...think... "Hey guess what! I want to stand on two really small points and lose my balance but then eventually get used to it so I can be sexy******!" Folks please, if you are trying to be sexy, please don't. Trust me, I tried it once and I'm pretty sure Iraq invaded Kuwait because of it. But on to lighter notes, which I don't completely understand anything about notes being light or heavy, but hey, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

You know who reminds me of emo kids, Conan O'Brian. You laugh at him but you just can't help but feel sorry for the guy. Just like emo kids, he thinks his stuff is actually GOOD and ORIGINAL. Maybe I have overstepped my bounds a little bit, but seriously, those emo kids need reliv, they'd be a heck of a lot happier and then they could make songs about how much life sucks being healthy. Yeah, that'd be great. You know what also makes me laugh, Screamo. Hah, sounds like a really really bad Horror flick (some people call them movies but, well, screw you its flick). I wish I knew how these darned emo kids keep coming up with this stuff. I'm sure it went something, like this,

(sobbing in background)
Emo kid: Our cds aren't selling anymore! Why does no one like me! And to top it off, my girlfriend broke up with me to date our drummer who is also better looking than me!

Manager: Um, you have millions of dollars, you fan club just sent you roses, you cheated on your girlfriend and you have no drummer.

Emo kid: You hate me too! I could just SCREAM..........o.

And there you have it folks. I'm thinking of turning it into a 3 act play about a lost love, an unexpected hero and an emo kid. Wow, that would be a blockbuster. But don't worry, it would definitely not be about Alf.

But enough about emo kids. Let's talk about the fan mail I receive from my oh so many fans of instant classic. Of course no one could ever *see* this mail because that is one of the many protections I give to my fans. And of course I could never say the *real* names of any of the people but I thought I'd let you know how instant classic is changing lives*******

Nevan Wonc -or- Neffin Wonk (I couldn't really tell the difference actually)

Dear Luke,

Your posts are the best. I mean bananas in the nude! Who would have thought of that! Keep up the mediocre work because I look better in comparison. Yours forever or until I change my mind,

Nevan Wonc -or-Neffin Wonk (I guess he couldn't really tell the difference either)

Nad Yakobsin

Dear Luke,

If I talk about your turquise car, does that make me *more* manly? Many thanks for making me look better in comparison.

Nad (insert really cool golf graphic here)

Preesillo "I wish I had the ring of power"

Hey Dean,

I just want to say that your posts are (insert big word here) and that you are (insert psychology phrase here). If I were you I would like LOTR ten times more. Oh, dang, we're in a tight spot!

Yours truly,
Succubus********

Of course Pat got some mail but his wasn't as pretty:

Dean Andrews

Dear Shortflip,

Your short! hahahahahahahahahaha! and your posts are short too hahahahahahahaha! You don't know me and I wasn't your old roommate and even if I was you would forget about this because I really do think the Force is real so I will play a Jedi mind trick on you! Thanks for making yourself look better in comparison to me.

Someone who isn't your old roommate, doesn't live two doors down from you and hasn't know you for 8 years,
Dean Andrews

I think Alie got one too but I forgot she existed because she never posts anyways so I threw it out.

Oh yeah, then we go one fan letter as a blog, that was exciting!

Ryan B. Cool

Dear Instant Classic:

Guess what, I was the first one at this blogging thing. Guess what, I'm so stinking hilarious that none of your posts will ever match up to mine. Guess what I post so often that people sometimes think that I am just some robot from the future who came back in search of a better life, and funnier blogs. I just have to say this, thanks for making me look better in comparison.

Fo shizzle (tm)
Ryan B. Cool

p.s. I like farmers and blue!

I could go on for ages and by ages I mean I should have stopped five minutes ago.

Well, work at Big Idea is almost done. Man, working for them was tough, I had to pop out a big idea every 10 minutes or some giant green cucumber would come out and yell at me. I tried to quit but then I had this one dream that I was being chased by a penguin. Wait, I've said too much. But seriously, I am disappointed about having to stop working for them, $12 an hour is pretty sweet. Plus all the free stuff I got there. Like a stereo, and a VCR, and a really cool chair. Yeah everything was really cool.

The best thing about Priscilla and Joy's party was that people could see what I have to put up with everyday with Mark. Last night he decided to punch randomly in the sky as he was telling at story and he broke the lamp hanging from the ceiling. Actually he was quite happy about this seeing as he was now tall enough to reach the the lamp hanging from the ceiling.

The village looks like a good movie. And I'm guessing the only thing that could have made it scarier is if the village people********* were in the movie. Whatever happened to them?

Oh, oh, I also want to see Napoleon Dynamite, that movie looks great. "I made like an infinity of those at camp."

you know who I'm glad just gave up, Ross Perot. I hope Nader gets that point sometime soon. If I ran for presidential slogan would be this: "Just Give Up" I think someone needs to step up in this time of overwhelming optimism and get some real pessimistic values out there. I mean, I may be joking but if kids can't do well in school, then they should just give up. Just like most of the American's have done in the democratic system of government. And remember when you go to vote in November, your vote doesn't really count anyways, so why not vote for me? Or just give up.

But I kid.

You know what this world needs? A good shot in the arm! Has anyone ever had that told to them, "All this team needs is a good shot in the arm!" Yes, that is what we need. I don't know about you but this cliche fell off the "Hey, I make sense because I'm a cliche" bandwagon a long time ago. And now it lies on the dusty ground. Dead. But seriously, why does anyone ever need a shot in the arm? ANd I refuse so believe that they are talking about flu shots.

Me: Man this school year is really long and hard.
Cliche user: All you need it a gun pointed at your arm and a bullet to go through it. That would surely help!

Hillary Duff: I wish I could sing and act!
Cliche User: You can't have your cake and not throw it up! I mean, uh, oh crap.

Michael Jackson: I wish I was a white woman.
Cliche User: ...

Al Gore: 65,964,542 votes for me, and 65,
Bill Clinton: Hey Al, did you get the number to that 20 year old intern the other day? I think it was 857-894-3442 or was it 3445? 42 or 45?
Cliche User: Bill Clinton is a perv. And Al Gore forgot what number he was on.

You see, cliche's can be good things. Only when used properly and with respect. Never leave a cliche just lying around, always keep them locked up and unloaded.

Random Fact: 45% of all accidents are cause by misused cliche's. 22% are caused by ladders. 23% are caused by gnomes. 10% is caused by confusion of what Kerry actually stands for.

Wow, this post was quite a feat. I have decided that I will have to work up to effin's level of inaccurate proficiency.

And I leave you with this thought:

Tad is the worst name in the world. Or maybe akjadlkjiejfndfnfmfuiiwovnnbhg, yeah that would be a headscratcher to spell.




*Actually I wish Argentina would fear for me, that would bring a whole lot more meaning to this blog

**It is my experience that Lincoln is completely unstoppable.

***50 points to whoever finds my first list of things I wish I'd invented, Lord knows I can't.

****The guy who did it is my personal hero and he gets 5 genius points.

*****I'll get you emo kids if it's the last thing I dooooooo!!

******Sorry for those of you out there offended by this word, just replace it with sectsy.

*******Donations in the amounts of 1 annual fee of $1000 or 2 semi-annual fees of $600 can be emailed by giving me your credit card number and the expiration date.

********I really should find out what this word means before I use it as someone's name.

*********Why would gay men sing about the Young Men's Christian Association? Wait a minute, ugh, that gives me the jeeblies.